I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize