I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
