Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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