What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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