I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
