you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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