cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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