I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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