so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
