So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My feet surprised me
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