You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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