What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
