My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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