Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
