I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
