I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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