when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize