wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
