just come out here and I will go home with you...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
