I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
