..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
