i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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