omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
