I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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