turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Randomize
