Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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