If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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