I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
