God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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