I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
