theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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