A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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