the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
