oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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