I wanna bring you to show and tell
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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