Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
