Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
