all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize