the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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