my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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