I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
