Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
