i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
