I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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