Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
