you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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