Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
