Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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