She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
