Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
