i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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