quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize