For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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