Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
