I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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