Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
