did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
