i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
