remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
