I wish I could punch you in the face.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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